you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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