Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
