at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
