Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
