so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
