You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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