What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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