I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
