I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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