I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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