I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
