It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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