Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
