I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
