This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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