i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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