my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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