Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Randomize
