Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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