I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
