Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
