he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
