I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
