I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
