Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
