I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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