I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
