Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
