She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
