I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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