I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
