I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
