It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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