take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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