I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
