I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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