don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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