I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
