i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
