theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
