i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
These tits shall not be calmed
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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