I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
