I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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