College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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