I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
