I'm drive I can fine osifer
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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