We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
