his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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