So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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