I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
