i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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