you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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